Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*

One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.

them: your tweet is missing a word

me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?

You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.

i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum

Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.

Today is the day I go back to the gym.

Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.

I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.

My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird

it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.

The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend

Home alone tonight

The fridge is making weird noises

I think the beer wants out….

murderer: run if you want to live

me: *starts sprinting*

murderer: not like toward me tho

My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.

me: how do i come off?

firefighter: kind of cringe

me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?

Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.

My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.

I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions

And send

That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.

Again.

My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.

*writing suicide letter

Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…

Cat: *you’re

I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.

In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real

“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it

Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba

Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social

Cat:

Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous

Cat:

*power goes out*

Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*

Cat: you were saying

The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom

If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.

Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you

When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.