@dubstep4dads

[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]

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@Brampersandon_

LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings

ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people

@AngryRaccoon2

One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.

Until then, I’ll keep eating.

@StellaGMaddox

5: I cleaned my room.

Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.

5: No. Next time you can do it.

@lovemydogduck

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.

@wickedimproper

Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”

@slimmy_shady

Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?

@LindaInDisguise

Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”

@IvoryGazelle

Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”

@schmittsteve

[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol