[using ouija board]
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]

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LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings

ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people


One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.

Until then, I’ll keep eating.


5: I cleaned my room.

Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.

5: No. Next time you can do it.


I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.


Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”


Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?


Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”


Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”


[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol