@dubstep4dads

[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]

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@JB4Realz

WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock

@meaghano

my son saw a cemetery and said “that’s where they plant ghosts”

@LMHPhotog

Ancient Man: Out of water. Let’s walk 10,000 miles to a fresh continent.

Modern Man: Fridge is empty. Guess I’ll just die in my kitchen.

@AbbieEvansXO

Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

@Phook75

It surely can’t be a coincidence that Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog share the same middle name

@ElizaBayne

Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is

@Spotzwoj

Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.