telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
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Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up