Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
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doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
opening twitter today
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.