Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
You Might Also Like
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Born to be mild.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.