Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
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Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?