Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
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I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.