Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
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I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.