@ceejoyner

Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.

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@HelloCullen

Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it

@KMDrunner

Any time I see a pic of Princess Leia’s hair I get a craving for a cinnabon

@jewfacekilla

Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?

Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.

@samdunsiger

Date: I’m a vegan.

Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.

@mobydong

Wearing a wig is probably worth the hassle for those moments when you get to dramatically pull it off your weary, tearful head.

@mjkspeaks

Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.

@HomeWithPeanut

Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.

Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]

@TheCatWhisprer

If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.