The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
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Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
it is time once again
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.