[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
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When someone trying to leave me
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
My therapist after every session
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.