[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
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Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]