My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Using your studies as an excuse to avoid family gatherings >>>
You Might Also Like
[Scientist discovering catfish]
Scientist: What kind of fish are you?
Fish, maintaining eye contact: *pushes entire shelf of beakers over*
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Soul mates theory
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
What a website
Just bought a sandwich in San Francisco. Handed over a $20 bill. Cashier to his coworker: “How do I accept cash?”
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.