@kiiingsleyy

Using your studies as an excuse to avoid family gatherings >>>

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@meghaffer

My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.

@G_Faylor

[Scientist discovering catfish]

Scientist: What kind of fish are you?

Fish, maintaining eye contact: *pushes entire shelf of beakers over*

@TheHyyyype

HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations

THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!

@TheIronSherk

*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*

@MichaelTrying

A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.

@donni

Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts

@David_Ingram

Just bought a sandwich in San Francisco. Handed over a $20 bill. Cashier to his coworker: “How do I accept cash?”

@HowToBeADad

I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.