Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
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(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
🤣😂
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT