USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?

me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead

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1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.


Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!


My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”


My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?


Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV


If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend


Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.


No, I don’t hate you. I promise. Cross my heart and hope you die.


Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound