USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
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Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.