@perlhack

USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?

me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead

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@JoePetroske

1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.

@sixfootcandy

Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!

@birbigs

My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”

@mayamanion

My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?

@iwearaonesie

Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV

@BoomBoomBetty

If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend

@soyourelikethat

Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me

@AristotlesNZ

No, I don’t hate you. I promise. Cross my heart and hope you die.

@ieatanddrink

Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound