USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
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Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.