My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
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IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
WTF IS THAT!
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?