M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

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[zoom interview]

interviewer: what’s your background?

me: mainly sales and marketing but—

interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam


*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work


I keep randomly shouting out ‘Broccoli’ and ‘Cauliflower’ – I think I might have Florets.


My cat is 11 and still only has one word, should I be worried.


Some of you need to be driven out to the country and released back into the wild


People over 70 have a much different idea of what constitutes a story.



me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please

server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir

me: challenge accepted


Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May


you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know