@JoParkerBear

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

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@HansGrubertron

[zoom interview]

interviewer: what’s your background?

me: mainly sales and marketing but—

interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam

@007Rex_Inc

*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work

@OFalafel

I keep randomly shouting out ‘Broccoli’ and ‘Cauliflower’ – I think I might have Florets.

@ewfeez

My cat is 11 and still only has one word, should I be worried.

@AphroditeAfter5

Some of you need to be driven out to the country and released back into the wild

@juliussharpe

People over 70 have a much different idea of what constitutes a story.

@Gupton68

[restaurant]

me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please

server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir

me: challenge accepted

@TheNewsAtGlenn

Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May

@KeetPotato

you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know