Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
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Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”