Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
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For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?