Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
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Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it