Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
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[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
yeah no that’s fair
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out