“I bet all those murders are done by that hooded guy whose always running around rooftops w 17 weapons on him.”-Nobody in Assassin’s Creed
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
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Please respect my privacy during this time. Nothing happened I just don’t want to talk to anyone.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
Did I get it?
Judge: We have no idea
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]