Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
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Not all heroes wear capes…
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
That lamp looks PISSED.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
happy friday
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.