Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
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“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!