Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
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Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”