Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
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Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Choose your fighter
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.