Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
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Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.