[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
You Might Also Like
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Friday night party time 🥳
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin