*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
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I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
first you must answer his riddles
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Interior design 👌
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.