@SardonicTart

*Vacuums for three minutes*

“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”

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@HughGoesThere

Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.

@Cpin42

Our middle child says we neglect him/her.

@JasonLastname

First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.

@Mikecanrant

I accidentally earned a 3rd degree black belt in Tae Kwon Do the last time a bee flew near my face.

@FindusPancake

My mum was teaching first holy communion class, and a kid asked her “How many communions do you have to do before you’ve eaten a whole Jesus?”

@vladchoc

And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.

@dannyboy7813

[Getting phone call from the School]

Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.

M: Did he win?

T: That’s not really relevant.

M: It is to the winner.

@Elizasoul80

[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”