Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
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playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
I wish I could veto my bills.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
thanks auntie mary