Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
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Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with