@ObsKenobs

Vader: *waiting in Death Star hallway*

Vader: *tries a cool lean against the wall*

Vader: *fiddles with the lighting*

Vader: *tries a different cool lean*

Vader: *stretches*

Vader: *some real good kicks*

Obi-Wan: *enters hallway*

Vader: I’ve been waiting for you, Obi-Wan.

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@IamEveryDayPpl

Did they try rubbing butter on the boat that’s stuck in the Suez Canal?

@darth__mouth

hey teens ! if you think you’re angry now, just wait until you have to spend your own money on toilet paper.

@mortimermaiden

Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.

@JVarsityCaptain

Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?

@egg_dog

good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room

@OctopusCaveman

Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.

[Later]

Friend: Where’d you guys meet?

Me: Family reunion

@QwertyJones3

“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”

MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT

“Did you check his hand?”

NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait

@Eightinchgoat

My son asked me what language they speak in England. This would have been cute if he wasn’t 20 … And in college.

@JVarsityCaptain

You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.