Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
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I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.