@lovemydogduck

Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.

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@iAmDelFreaky

I’ve decided to shave off my eyebrows and draw them in. It’s pretty cool, except when I have to redraw them to show somebody I’m angry.

@envydatropic

Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive

@theshamingofjay

[interview for doctor’s office receptionist]

“Can you schedule appointments and be friendly”

Yes.

“Sorry we’re looking for the opposite”

@Jonesy_donkey

As I was tucking in my 8-yr-old, she asked me if it’s possible to “accidentally eat a squirrel”, and now I don’t think I’m getting any sleep tonight

@KalvinMacleod

Their palms are sweaters, knees sweatery, arms are sweaters. There’s more sweater on their sweater already.

@WilliamAder

Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.

@AhmadMhdAli

Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.

@MaryJustice86

People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.

@UncleBob56

Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.