Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.

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I’ve decided to shave off my eyebrows and draw them in. It’s pretty cool, except when I have to redraw them to show somebody I’m angry.


Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive


[interview for doctor’s office receptionist]

“Can you schedule appointments and be friendly”


“Sorry we’re looking for the opposite”


As I was tucking in my 8-yr-old, she asked me if it’s possible to “accidentally eat a squirrel”, and now I don’t think I’m getting any sleep tonight


Their palms are sweaters, knees sweatery, arms are sweaters. There’s more sweater on their sweater already.


Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.


Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.


People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.


Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.