Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
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Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.