Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
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My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
felt that
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island