Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
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Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
This January has 47 Mondays
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.