@UncleDuke1969
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
@Darlainky
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
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@UncleDuke1969
@_salt_n_lime
I prefer undivided attention because I’m not a fan of math.
@FunnyBison
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
@Ygrene
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
@LizerReal
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
@girlontapas
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
@WilliamAder
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
@Rollinintheseat
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
@juliussharpe
At the very highest level of karate, they give you pants that fit so you no longer need a belt.
@Midgetspar
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”