[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
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I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Storm Tropical Storm
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”