@Darlainky

[Valentine’s Day]

Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?

Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?

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@UncleDuke1969

Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”

Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”

Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”

Everyone: *gasps*

@FunnyBison

DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!

@Ygrene

[first day as an art thief]

Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money

@LizerReal

I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.

@girlontapas

Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.

@Rollinintheseat

Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”

@juliussharpe

At the very highest level of karate, they give you pants that fit so you no longer need a belt.

@Midgetspar

I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”