@JayMindX
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
@Darlainky
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
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@JayMindX
@darinlovesbacon
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
@ProgPro
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
@Tommytoughstuff
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
@TheProvenFacts
The average human body contains enough human bones to make up an entire human skeleton.
@IGotsSmarts
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
@SvetySveta
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
@myqkaplan
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
@Reverend_Scott
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
@Browtweaten
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*