Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.

Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.

“and this blood shall be called A+”

all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”

Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”

My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”

But I just call a spayed a spayed.

I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.

In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.

The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.

Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.

I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.

if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune

I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.

One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*

Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!

Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”

When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.

To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.

If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.

“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”

Harry Potter: A Shortened Version

Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.

Everyone else: Lol, no.

Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.

a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men

Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.

My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.

4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food

GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste

ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny

WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.

CHEF: Thank you.

ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai