Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.

The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.

😂😂😂😂😂😂

me *swallowing pride*

baby lion: holy shit

There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.

A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”

I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.

It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?

Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.

My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…

If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta

Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.

You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.

In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.

culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”

I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.

Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.

Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.

Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?

Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.

My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.

The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.

Strangers have the best candy.

When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀

Puts myself out there

Puts myself back bc wtfff

But it’s not the “worst way” either…

“This Tweet has been deleted.”

A thread 🧵

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys

Hey all,

I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.

From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.

Forgive me—I will do better next time.

~a dad, trying

Where did you come from, where did you go?

Where did you come from