*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
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My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know