*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
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so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
twitter users today:
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain