Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
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He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
New mindset, who dis?
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.