Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
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Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?