*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
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With so many unhappy married couples and a 50% divorce rate, I think it’s pretty obvious that Americans don’t breed well in captivity.
Just watched a guy cut up his burrito into dozens of little pieces. I wonder how many people he’s murdered.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Worker: can I help you?
Me: Yes can I get um.. *fumbles with piece of paper* one sex please
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
My body is the result of thousands of pull ups.
Pull up to the donut shop
Pull up to the drive thru window
Pull up results for “nearest pizza buffet”