Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
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Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Two types of dogs.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together