ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
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Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”