If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
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No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry