A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
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I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
What’s this sorcery? 😂
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.