vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
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Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Investing in beetcoin
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.