Vampire: What is this?

Cashier: Pez *showing him how it works* See, the candy comes out of the-


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Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?


Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.

Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…


Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.


This kitten is just what my house needed.

Another female that doesn’t listen to me.


I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.


[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK


Rent should be due every 90 days, every 30 is dramatic. Let’s riot.


WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.

ME: “Your”


Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones