Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
You Might Also Like
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.