Vampire who is obsessed with his diet.

-Count Calories

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People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?


Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.


Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.


If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.


My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.


If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.


Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.


I miss the old days.
When a duck face meant that you had a stroke.




MY SIX YEAR OLD NIECE: why do you have so many birthmarks