@MikeLonghelt

Vampire who is obsessed with his diet.

-Count Calories

You Might Also Like

@TrophyWifeDayna

People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?

@Cheeseboy22

Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.

@UncleBob56

Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.

@kelkulus

If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.

@HousewifeOfHell

My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.

@The_Sculptress

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

@TheAndrewNadeau

Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.

@cynicuhl

I miss the old days.
When a duck face meant that you had a stroke.

@ShortSleeveSuit

NOBODY:

NOT ONE SINGLE PERSON:

MY SIX YEAR OLD NIECE: why do you have so many birthmarks