vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
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Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.