Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
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Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone